FRIENDS 7-2-2-2
2014年5月5日[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Joey and Ross are laying out the ground rules for the maid of honor auditions to Rachel and Phoebe.]
Joey: Okay, all right, this is how it’s going to work. We’re gonna give you hypothetical maid of honor situations and you will be scored on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the highest.
Ross: No, 10 is the highest.
Joey: Why is 10 the highest?
Ross: Because it’s the highest. (Joey shrugs his shoulders) Okay, Rachel you’re up first. (Rachel stands up and gets ready.) Situation No. 1: You’re with Monica, the wedding is about to start when Monica gets cold feet. Go! (Joey is playing the part of Monica.)
Joey: (crying) I don’t want to marry Chandler!
Rachel: Okay, uh…
Joey: I’ve got cold feet.
Rachel: …it’s gonna be okay!
Joey: No, one man for the rest of my life? I don’t know if I can do it! This means I’ll never get to sleep with Joey!
Rachel: Look Monica, getting cold feet is very common. Y’know, it’s-it’s just because of all the anticipation and you just have to remember that you love Chandler. And also, I ran out on a wedding. You don’t get to keep the gifts.
Joey: (out of his Monica character) Very good! Drawing on your own experience, I like that!
Rachel: Thanks!
Ross: Yes, very nice Rachel.
Rachel: Thank you judges.
Phoebe: Ugh, what a kiss ass.
Rachel: Oh!
Joey: Okay, Phoebe…
Phoebe: Yes! Your honor?
Joey: We’re now in the ceremony, Monica is about to say, "I do" when her drunk uncle starts yelling. What do you do? Go!
Ross: (playing the drunk uncle) When Monica was a little girl, I remember that—(Phoebe screams and tackles him)—Ooh!! Ow! Very good!
Phoebe: Oh!
Joey: Yes! Excellent! Perfect score!
Rachel: Wait a minute! She just made a scene in the middle of the ceremony!
Phoebe: Hey! Do you want do you want a little taste of Pheebs?!
Ross: It is time for you to give your maid of honor speech.
Rachel: Ohh, wait a minute, we haven’t pre…
Ross: Go!
Rachel: Okay! Okay! Umm, Webster’s Dictionary defines marriage as… (Ross and Joey start writing.) Okay!! Forget that! That sucks!! Okay, never mind! Forget it! Umm, umm, okay, uh… I met, I-I met, I met Monica when we were just a couple of six year olds and I became friends with Chandler when he was 25, although he seemed like a six year old.
Ross and Joey: Oh! That’s nice.
Rachel: Thank you. Thank you very much. Umm, I’ve known them separately and I’ve known them together and-and to know them as a couple is to know that you are truly in the presence of love. So I would like to raise my glass (Grabs a glass and holds it up) to Monica and Chandler and the beautiful adventure they are about to embark upon together. I can think of no two people better prepared for the journey.
Joey: Wow. (To Ross) Good speech.
Ross: Yeah, it really was!
Rachel: Aw, thanks!
Ross: Okay Phoebe, I guess you’re next (To Joey) although I really don’t see the point.
Joey: Yeah.
Phoebe: Okay, I can’t believe that Monica and Chandler are getting married. I remember talking about this day with Rachel while we were showering together, naked. (Raises her glass and drinks.)
(Joey and Ross pause while they picture the event.)
Joey: And she’s back in the game.
[Scene: A random apartment building, Chandler and Monica are knocking on the door of the woman from the beginning.]
Chandler: (she opens the door) Julie hi! Chandler Bing, I, I guess you remember me.
Julie: Hello Skidmark.
Chandler: (To Monica) It’s a nickname, I’ll explain later.
Monica: It’s pretty clear.
Chandler: Ah, uh, I owe you a long overdue apology. I never should have broken up with you because you were overweight.
Julie: That’s why you broke up with me?
Chandler: You-you-you didn’t know that. (Pause as she nods no.) Well, I guess my work here is done!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are giving Phoebe and Rachel the results of their election. Somewhat faster than Florida I might add.]
Joey: All right, well first of all I would like to say that you both performed very well. Okay? You should be proud of yourselves. And-and I would also like to say that in this competition there are no losers. Well, except for Rachel—Damnit!
Phoebe: Really?! I won!
Rachel: What?!
Ross: I’m sorry Rach, it was, it was really close.
Rachel: Well then I demand a recount! (Hmm, I wonder where I’ve heard that before.)
Ross: Actually, it wasn’t that close.
Rachel: No! Y’know what? No! No! You thing was so stupid anyway, this was ridiculous—We’re gonna flip a coin! (Phoebe gasps.) All right?! (She flips the coin.) Heads! (Looks at the coin and grunts in disgust.)
Phoebe: The coins have finally forgiven me!
Rachel: Well y’know what? I hope Monica forgives you after you throw her, her vegetarian, voodoo, goddess circley shower! (Runs out.)
Phoebe: (running after her) Rach, it’s gonna be okay! (To Ross and Joey) You guys are the best!
Joey: Boy I tell ya, that judging stuff took a lot out of me.
Ross: Yeah?
Joey: Yeah! I was thinking about maybe going upstairs and taking a little nap on my couch. (Raises his eyebrows, questioning Ross to see if he wants to join him.)
Ross: Why-why would I care about that?
Joey: No reason, I’m just saying that uh… That’s where I’ll be.
(Joey gets up and heads for the door. After a pause Ross decides to join him.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe’s, Chandler and Monica have returned from Julie’s.]
Chandler: As bad as that went I actually enjoyed myself. I think that I’m going to apologize for all of the stupid things I do.
Monica: Why don’t you just stop doing stupid things? Then you wouldn’t have to apologize.
Chandler: I would really love it if could do both.
Monica: All right, I…I have to ask.
Chandler: What?
Monica: Are you gonna break up with me if I get fat again?
Chandler: What?!
Monica: Well, you broke up with Julie Grath! How much weight could she have gained?
Chandler: A hundred and forty-five pounds.
Monica: In one year?! My God what did she eat? Her-her family! That’s not the point.
Chandler: Look I know it was a stupid reason to break up with somebody, but I was 15!
Monica: Well… That’s not the only time this was an issue. You remember when umm, you spent Thanksgiving with us? You called me fat.
Chandler: Okay. Okay, now wait a minute that was totally different.
Monica: How?
Chandler: You were not supposed to hear that! I said that behind you back!
Monica: What if I have babies, okay? I mean I’m gonna look different. I’m okay with that, but I’m not sure that you are!
Chandler: Look you have to realize I don’t think of you as a thin, beautiful woman. (Monica glares at him.) See this is one of things that I can apologize for later! Look, what I mean is you’re Monica! Okay? And I am in love with Monica.
Monica: Keep going.
Chandler: So you can balloon up or you can shrink down and I will still love you.
Monica: Even if I shrink down to two inches tall?
Chandler: I’d carry you around in my pocket.
Monica: I love you. (They hug and kiss.)
Chandler: Skidmark’s still got a way with the ladies.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Rachel enters carrying a shopping bag.]
Rachel: Hi Pheebs.
Phoebe: Hi!
Rachel: Hi! I just want to apologize. I’m really sorry I was a baby.
Phoebe: That’s ridiculous Rachel, we were all babies once. (Rachel looks at her.) Oh, you mean today.
Rachel: Yeah. Yeah, and y’know you-you deserve to win. And-and y’know I was thinking about it, if-if you’re Monica’s maid of honor that means I get to be yours.
Phoebe: Oh yeah!
Rachel: Yeah! Oh, umm when-when Monica and Chandler got engaged I started putting some stuff together, y’know just in case…
Phoebe: Oh that’s so sweet thanks.
Rachel: Here is a book of poetry that I know Monica loves. And-and ohh God this is funny, look, this is a picture of one Halloween where she dressed up as a bride. (Shows Phoebe the picture.) And look, she made me carry her train, which was weird because I was Wonder Woman. Oh and here’s a little purse that I found. (Hands her the purse) Y’know I just thought that maybe they could hold the rings in there.
Phoebe: Ohh.
Rachel: And umm, vintage handkerchiefs y’know ‘cause, people cry at weddings. (Starting to cry.) I’m just gonna grab a couple of these.
Phoebe: This stuff is great!
Rachel: Oh, I forgot this was in here. Umm, this was the uh garter that I was saving for my wedding and I wanted it to be Monica’s something borrowed and it’s blue. (Starts to cry again.) Yeah…
Phoebe: Y’know Rach, I think that, I think you should be Monica’s made of honor.
Rachel: You do? Why?
Phoebe: Because I think it means more to you.
Rachel: But Pheebs, y’know you earned it.
Phoebe: Its fine. I mean, this is something that you’ve been thinking about since you were what, 14? (She’s referring to the Halloween picture.)
Rachel: No, I was ten. I just developed early.
Phoebe: (looking at the picture again) Man alive!
Monica: (entering) Hey, what’s going on?
Rachel: Hey!
Phoebe: Well, we just decided that Rachel is gonna be your maid of honor.
Monica: (gasps) Ohh, wow! That’s great! (Rachel and Monica hug.) Oh wow! We really have to start planning! I have, I have a lot of really specific ideas! We should probably get together like four times per week. You can come over to my place; we’ll get together before work! What do you say, 6:30, my place? I’m so excited! (Runs out leaving Rachel completely stunned and Phoebe laughing.)
Rachel: Yeah okay, you laugh now, but she’s gonna be yours. (Phoebe gets suddenly scared.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Joey and Ross are napping together again and both wake up at the same time.]
Joey: Great nap.
Ross: It really was.
(Suddenly Rachel clears her throat and the camera cuts to the rest of the gang staring at them. Needless to say Joey and Ross are shocked and slowly turn their heads to see the gang.)
Joey: (reacting first by jumping up) Dude! What the hell are you doing?! God! (Heads for his room leaving Ross.)
Ross: (slowly stands up and says quietly) Excuse me. (Exits.)
Joey: Okay, all right, this is how it’s going to work. We’re gonna give you hypothetical maid of honor situations and you will be scored on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the highest.
Ross: No, 10 is the highest.
Joey: Why is 10 the highest?
Ross: Because it’s the highest. (Joey shrugs his shoulders) Okay, Rachel you’re up first. (Rachel stands up and gets ready.) Situation No. 1: You’re with Monica, the wedding is about to start when Monica gets cold feet. Go! (Joey is playing the part of Monica.)
Joey: (crying) I don’t want to marry Chandler!
Rachel: Okay, uh…
Joey: I’ve got cold feet.
Rachel: …it’s gonna be okay!
Joey: No, one man for the rest of my life? I don’t know if I can do it! This means I’ll never get to sleep with Joey!
Rachel: Look Monica, getting cold feet is very common. Y’know, it’s-it’s just because of all the anticipation and you just have to remember that you love Chandler. And also, I ran out on a wedding. You don’t get to keep the gifts.
Joey: (out of his Monica character) Very good! Drawing on your own experience, I like that!
Rachel: Thanks!
Ross: Yes, very nice Rachel.
Rachel: Thank you judges.
Phoebe: Ugh, what a kiss ass.
Rachel: Oh!
Joey: Okay, Phoebe…
Phoebe: Yes! Your honor?
Joey: We’re now in the ceremony, Monica is about to say, "I do" when her drunk uncle starts yelling. What do you do? Go!
Ross: (playing the drunk uncle) When Monica was a little girl, I remember that—(Phoebe screams and tackles him)—Ooh!! Ow! Very good!
Phoebe: Oh!
Joey: Yes! Excellent! Perfect score!
Rachel: Wait a minute! She just made a scene in the middle of the ceremony!
Phoebe: Hey! Do you want do you want a little taste of Pheebs?!
Ross: It is time for you to give your maid of honor speech.
Rachel: Ohh, wait a minute, we haven’t pre…
Ross: Go!
Rachel: Okay! Okay! Umm, Webster’s Dictionary defines marriage as… (Ross and Joey start writing.) Okay!! Forget that! That sucks!! Okay, never mind! Forget it! Umm, umm, okay, uh… I met, I-I met, I met Monica when we were just a couple of six year olds and I became friends with Chandler when he was 25, although he seemed like a six year old.
Ross and Joey: Oh! That’s nice.
Rachel: Thank you. Thank you very much. Umm, I’ve known them separately and I’ve known them together and-and to know them as a couple is to know that you are truly in the presence of love. So I would like to raise my glass (Grabs a glass and holds it up) to Monica and Chandler and the beautiful adventure they are about to embark upon together. I can think of no two people better prepared for the journey.
Joey: Wow. (To Ross) Good speech.
Ross: Yeah, it really was!
Rachel: Aw, thanks!
Ross: Okay Phoebe, I guess you’re next (To Joey) although I really don’t see the point.
Joey: Yeah.
Phoebe: Okay, I can’t believe that Monica and Chandler are getting married. I remember talking about this day with Rachel while we were showering together, naked. (Raises her glass and drinks.)
(Joey and Ross pause while they picture the event.)
Joey: And she’s back in the game.
[Scene: A random apartment building, Chandler and Monica are knocking on the door of the woman from the beginning.]
Chandler: (she opens the door) Julie hi! Chandler Bing, I, I guess you remember me.
Julie: Hello Skidmark.
Chandler: (To Monica) It’s a nickname, I’ll explain later.
Monica: It’s pretty clear.
Chandler: Ah, uh, I owe you a long overdue apology. I never should have broken up with you because you were overweight.
Julie: That’s why you broke up with me?
Chandler: You-you-you didn’t know that. (Pause as she nods no.) Well, I guess my work here is done!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are giving Phoebe and Rachel the results of their election. Somewhat faster than Florida I might add.]
Joey: All right, well first of all I would like to say that you both performed very well. Okay? You should be proud of yourselves. And-and I would also like to say that in this competition there are no losers. Well, except for Rachel—Damnit!
Phoebe: Really?! I won!
Rachel: What?!
Ross: I’m sorry Rach, it was, it was really close.
Rachel: Well then I demand a recount! (Hmm, I wonder where I’ve heard that before.)
Ross: Actually, it wasn’t that close.
Rachel: No! Y’know what? No! No! You thing was so stupid anyway, this was ridiculous—We’re gonna flip a coin! (Phoebe gasps.) All right?! (She flips the coin.) Heads! (Looks at the coin and grunts in disgust.)
Phoebe: The coins have finally forgiven me!
Rachel: Well y’know what? I hope Monica forgives you after you throw her, her vegetarian, voodoo, goddess circley shower! (Runs out.)
Phoebe: (running after her) Rach, it’s gonna be okay! (To Ross and Joey) You guys are the best!
Joey: Boy I tell ya, that judging stuff took a lot out of me.
Ross: Yeah?
Joey: Yeah! I was thinking about maybe going upstairs and taking a little nap on my couch. (Raises his eyebrows, questioning Ross to see if he wants to join him.)
Ross: Why-why would I care about that?
Joey: No reason, I’m just saying that uh… That’s where I’ll be.
(Joey gets up and heads for the door. After a pause Ross decides to join him.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe’s, Chandler and Monica have returned from Julie’s.]
Chandler: As bad as that went I actually enjoyed myself. I think that I’m going to apologize for all of the stupid things I do.
Monica: Why don’t you just stop doing stupid things? Then you wouldn’t have to apologize.
Chandler: I would really love it if could do both.
Monica: All right, I…I have to ask.
Chandler: What?
Monica: Are you gonna break up with me if I get fat again?
Chandler: What?!
Monica: Well, you broke up with Julie Grath! How much weight could she have gained?
Chandler: A hundred and forty-five pounds.
Monica: In one year?! My God what did she eat? Her-her family! That’s not the point.
Chandler: Look I know it was a stupid reason to break up with somebody, but I was 15!
Monica: Well… That’s not the only time this was an issue. You remember when umm, you spent Thanksgiving with us? You called me fat.
Chandler: Okay. Okay, now wait a minute that was totally different.
Monica: How?
Chandler: You were not supposed to hear that! I said that behind you back!
Monica: What if I have babies, okay? I mean I’m gonna look different. I’m okay with that, but I’m not sure that you are!
Chandler: Look you have to realize I don’t think of you as a thin, beautiful woman. (Monica glares at him.) See this is one of things that I can apologize for later! Look, what I mean is you’re Monica! Okay? And I am in love with Monica.
Monica: Keep going.
Chandler: So you can balloon up or you can shrink down and I will still love you.
Monica: Even if I shrink down to two inches tall?
Chandler: I’d carry you around in my pocket.
Monica: I love you. (They hug and kiss.)
Chandler: Skidmark’s still got a way with the ladies.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Rachel enters carrying a shopping bag.]
Rachel: Hi Pheebs.
Phoebe: Hi!
Rachel: Hi! I just want to apologize. I’m really sorry I was a baby.
Phoebe: That’s ridiculous Rachel, we were all babies once. (Rachel looks at her.) Oh, you mean today.
Rachel: Yeah. Yeah, and y’know you-you deserve to win. And-and y’know I was thinking about it, if-if you’re Monica’s maid of honor that means I get to be yours.
Phoebe: Oh yeah!
Rachel: Yeah! Oh, umm when-when Monica and Chandler got engaged I started putting some stuff together, y’know just in case…
Phoebe: Oh that’s so sweet thanks.
Rachel: Here is a book of poetry that I know Monica loves. And-and ohh God this is funny, look, this is a picture of one Halloween where she dressed up as a bride. (Shows Phoebe the picture.) And look, she made me carry her train, which was weird because I was Wonder Woman. Oh and here’s a little purse that I found. (Hands her the purse) Y’know I just thought that maybe they could hold the rings in there.
Phoebe: Ohh.
Rachel: And umm, vintage handkerchiefs y’know ‘cause, people cry at weddings. (Starting to cry.) I’m just gonna grab a couple of these.
Phoebe: This stuff is great!
Rachel: Oh, I forgot this was in here. Umm, this was the uh garter that I was saving for my wedding and I wanted it to be Monica’s something borrowed and it’s blue. (Starts to cry again.) Yeah…
Phoebe: Y’know Rach, I think that, I think you should be Monica’s made of honor.
Rachel: You do? Why?
Phoebe: Because I think it means more to you.
Rachel: But Pheebs, y’know you earned it.
Phoebe: Its fine. I mean, this is something that you’ve been thinking about since you were what, 14? (She’s referring to the Halloween picture.)
Rachel: No, I was ten. I just developed early.
Phoebe: (looking at the picture again) Man alive!
Monica: (entering) Hey, what’s going on?
Rachel: Hey!
Phoebe: Well, we just decided that Rachel is gonna be your maid of honor.
Monica: (gasps) Ohh, wow! That’s great! (Rachel and Monica hug.) Oh wow! We really have to start planning! I have, I have a lot of really specific ideas! We should probably get together like four times per week. You can come over to my place; we’ll get together before work! What do you say, 6:30, my place? I’m so excited! (Runs out leaving Rachel completely stunned and Phoebe laughing.)
Rachel: Yeah okay, you laugh now, but she’s gonna be yours. (Phoebe gets suddenly scared.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Joey and Ross are napping together again and both wake up at the same time.]
Joey: Great nap.
Ross: It really was.
(Suddenly Rachel clears her throat and the camera cuts to the rest of the gang staring at them. Needless to say Joey and Ross are shocked and slowly turn their heads to see the gang.)
Joey: (reacting first by jumping up) Dude! What the hell are you doing?! God! (Heads for his room leaving Ross.)
Ross: (slowly stands up and says quietly) Excuse me. (Exits.)
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